Knowing

It is been a while that I haven't wrote anything here in my blog.... There are many things happened in my life, things that makes my heart moved, my heart break, my heart at peace...

Undeniably, it is obvious that I really don't have peace in my life. There is one thing bugging my ear telling "give it up", but I continue to tell "no, I will not. There is nothing wrong, why should I." Little did I notice, I got myself were I should not be into. I didn't notice that I am giving my whole heart.

Now, I understand Mordecai. She told me that she saw me how stubborn I was, how proud I was in front of her. I will never again forget this 2nd time that we are crying together. She explained to me everything that I need to know. I explained also to her why I acted like that, but of course at the end I was still the one who is wrong. I must admit, I was really stubborn. I really don't get her point, but I believe that was the time we need to talk. And God is always on time, we had a background song "Find us Faithful",
CHORUS:
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
And our children sift through all we've left behind
May the clues that they discover and the memories they uncover
Become the light that leads them to the road we each must find

in tune to that, mordecai asking me "if your Dmembers is in my situation, would I allow them", after justifying myself first, God humbled me and I told her "of course not", that time I was thinking, If I am talking to a youth would I like her to respond obediently??? and that time, I prayed to God to help me to really fully obeyed Him. Yes, I obeyed as I thought.

Days ago, God finally break my callous heart. It was during dawnwatch when I poured my heart to God... Humbling myself before Him... and there is really a blessing when you humble yourself to God.. (He answered my prayer - to intentionally share the gospel). That day, we shared the gospel...:) again, I experienced the joy of sharing JEsus..:)
And that day also, I finally saw my stubborn heart. A heart that not really belong to Jesus.. A heart full of jealousy, selfishness, angry,.. Thank God, I have mature friends who, always check on me... :) That night, I was more calmed compared that afternoon... I realized that how much I give my heart away... I got myself early into bed and I slept for almost 10hours...:) and God has a surprised to me..

Isaiah 48:17-18
17 This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"I am the LORD your God,
who teaches you what is best for you,
who directs you in the way you should go.
18 If only you had paid attention to my commands,
your peace would have been like a river,
your righteousness like the waves of the sea.

I don’t know how long it was but, again I finally hear God’s voice audible. That His word is living. I poured my heart to God crying “if only I paid attention to Your commands”, if only I listen to my ate’s, my friends, I wouldn’t have to be in this situation.” I was crying not because of the pain I am feeling, but how stubborn I am to my Lord, to my Redeemer.. I bend my knee, I ask Him to give me peace in my heart.. I believed that He gave me peace that day. I was sleeping all day long. Read a book that afternoon, watch one movie and talk to my family while watching tv... I slept also that night with peace.. :) and the sunday and monday night... actually, I love sleeping nowadays..hehehe...

Now, slowly I am picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I told my friends that it was so fragile that I really want to take good care of it na... And I'm giving it back to the One who will take care of it - to my Savior and Lord Jesus...

I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to my beloved sister who throughout my stubbornness, who understands me, who comfort me when I need it, who sings with me when I am sad, who give me advice, who give everything what they got just to help me... who lead me to Jesus.. I love you all...

Thank YOU God...