Motherhood - when reality hits.

When my daughter Reese Caitlin was giving me (us) her new phase as a baby, I welcome it with gladness and joy. As I was so excited for her to be developed as a child. I enjoy every moment with her because I knew that baby grow up so fast. I will always feel proud every time I will have a very good comment from our pedia and disappointment for myself everytime that Reese is not ok. I am patiently prepared food for her and she's been a good eater (at least average, just to maintain her right height and weight growth). I never experienced lack of sleep having a baby (except of course for the 1st month). We sleep 3 naps a day and a straight 9hrs sleep in the evening. We have our separate "me time" and time to play and read together. I am loving what I am experiencing as a mom that I do really wanted to have another one soon and another one.

Since Reese turned 9 months, it requires more physical energy. The baby that I was fond of being so behave turns out to be a normal child or so I say like me. She is always on the go. She will go up stairs, crawl in our small house and then go up stairs and then sits on the sofa and go on the edge (don't worry we are always on the side of her). Actually, I was amazed on how strong her bones are and how she knows where to throw herself and be more careful if it is really dangerous.

As the days passed by, I was struggling to manage my time to the tasks that I have to do during the day and working on my business during the night. Lacking of sleep and energy makes me impatient, ungrateful and grumpy. Worst, I got disconnected to The source of my joy and energy - God. Instead to have my quiettime with Jesus, I will just read some devotion and that's it. I chose to catch up sleep whenever I can so I have no time to read books. I will try to realign my priority, but it will just last a couple of days. I was overwhelmed by everything that I have to do. I manage to prioritize No. 2 to No. 5 on my priority list but I never set a time a quality and quiet time with my Lord.

So, hubby, noticed and ask "Okey ka lang ba? Parang hindi ka yung tulad dati? Hindi ka ganun ka joyful." And my reply "okey lang ako with a smile." One morning, the next day after our dgroup, what I did first was open my bible and read God's word. Tears then starting to fall in my eyes. God made me realized that I am not okey, and it's okey to tell it to my husband. That I don't have to be the old Clarisse who always do on my own way.

I honestly told him whats going on in my heart without any misunderstanding. I told him that I am physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. Actually, it was because I am overwhelmed by the things that I have to do and not connected to the source of my joy and strength Jesus Christ. I feel that I have a lot of things to do. I have to do household chores, taking care of a baby which I couldn't go to the cr even if I need to unless she was sleeping or watching (i have at least five minutes). That of course aside from taking care of reese I have to take care of him. That sometimes I am thinking, I wanted to work so I will just take care of Reese for a short period of time. That sometimes I envy others who have parents to take care of their grandchild.
And my best husband replied. "I understand", I love you.

And with that reply, I feel ok. Reality hit me and I was not prepared. God let me go thru this experience to show me that I need to always be connected to Him. If I don't prioritize Him, even though I am doing the right thing, there is no joy in my heart. My work will just be in vein. I am so grateful to God for giving me my husband who loves and take care of me and help me to do things. Thank God also for our bible reading and devotion together, the only time I read my bible. God humbled me again, He knows that I am doing it all by my own strength. That I am trying to be a superwoman so I will be proud of myself. At the end of the day, even I am being the best wife and mother to my husband and child, it is nothing if I will not be the best for God. If I will not do it for God's glory alone.

And give me an encouragement the other day in Ezra 10:4 Rise up, take courage and do it.

The road may have a rough roads and bumps, but I am excited to wake up and do the things that I have to do because I know my Lord is with me. He will be my guide.

Thank You Lord for giving me a family. Thank you for this life. Glory to God.